Living with mental illness

My name is Matt, I’m 30 years old and here is my story. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder around the age of 22. I remember prior to being diagnosed becoming enraged at times to the point of being out of control. The roller coaster ride of bipolar is exhausting, my particular case is In which my cycle never really ends it goes from mania to depressive and then all over again over and over never ending. I fought taking medications for quite a long time, I would take them for a while until I got better and then stop taking them. It’s pretty typical of those of us who suffer from mental disorders to follow this same path. Shortly after the bipolar diagnosis I was diagnosed with major depression living with the urges of suicidal thoughts and attempting suicide several different times over the past several years just feeling like I couldn’t continue on. I was in an abusive 6 year relationship where I was beat, raped, and mentally and emotionally abused. But I was stuck he made me feel So low I had no self worth and felt like no one could ever want me. It took me a very long time to finally get the courage to leave him. The price I paid for staying in that situation has been very costly, I now have been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety disorder. I have flash backs at times, trust issues, and a plethora of other anxiety provoking mental thoughts.

I seek professional help, I do therapy once a week. I see a psychiatrist and I take a regime of medications to help me stay on track but even with all this my day to day life is a struggle, I cut when I can no longer release my emotions the build up becomes so great I just have to get it out and cutting allows that pressure to be released. I have scars on my arms and on my legs and have been asked what they are from and I give your typical excuse “cat scratched me”. It makes me embarrassed that I could ever allow myself to get to this point but sometimes I see no way out of this hole I feel like I live in.
Something I always say is “I want to feel normal”. I feel as if I am broken. I wish I could take bipolar out of me.

This is the first time I have ever put this out there in public. I hope this helps someone who is struggling with mental illness, it has helped me to know I’m not alone. Remember your not alone either.
#hope #bipolar #anxiety #letstalk

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