"Crazy" it’s not real and it gets better

Gay, straight, or just “crazy” it gets better. From a girl always just crazy. I was always the weird kid, turns out I have borderline personality disorder and just changed a lot with a focus towards depression. It wasn’t until most of the way through college I got the right diagnosis and the right help I needed. It ruined my high school life and some of my college experiences, I never felt right or like I belonged, but once you get the right help, help that really matters and actually helps then things fall into place. When I was in high school bullying was an untreated subject and I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone else’s business, there were no secrets and my mom didn’t believe that there was anything wrong with me. I had to sit my mom down and yell at her to get her to believe I wasn’t right and I needed help, once it was out in my town I was seeing psychiatrists I lost a lot of friends, their parents didn’t want them around me or they didn’t want to be associated with the crazy girl, word spreads fast. I spent the next 7 years trying to get the help I needed and just got bumped around in the psychiatric society for a long time with no real diagnosis and several different prescriptions. Then my shit really hit the fan and I was hospitalized for suicidal tenancies though I wasn’t acting on them or verbalizing any of it. In reality the psychiatrist at my college just couldn’t handle what I was going through and called an ambulance while I was still in her office. I felt like my life had been ruined, absolutely destroyed, and completely betrayed. My degree did suffer but I learned enough about myself and what was actually wrong with me to be ok with it and now a year and a half later I am able to love myself and handle life. I lost a lot to get what I needed, I had to withdraw from my college at the end of my junior year and didn’t have it in me to go back and fully finish my Bachelors Degree and settled for an Associate Degree in my field which will always affect me in my life but I have come to terms with that because now without my degree I’m finally living. The combination of not being in a school environment and taking care of myself (I took a 3 year break from actually dating) along with actually getting the help I needed has led me to this end. Basically what I’m saying is if your community can’t handle you there are other communities and if your psychiatrist can’t handle you honestly then there are always others and more people willing to try. Over all you know what you need more than anyone else ever will and it’s up to you to make it happen no matter what it takes, there are better things out there for you, you just have to find them. If it means leaving your town and starting over, if it means getting hospitalized and somewhat ruining your life it can still be for the best, you can overcome everything. Being human means naturalizing to your environment and if you can’t do it on your own there are people there to help you even if at first and for several (or 7 years) times after you don’t fit there really is someone or something that can help you. Don’t give up on everyone and everything cause when you finally find it. IT IS WORTH IT. As a girl who still spends a lot of my time depressed I have finally figured out me and what I want as well as what I need, and you will too. It might not be today or tomorrow but if you refuse to give up on yourself than you can really find yourself, a better version, a version of you that you never knew existed and if you get help you can even love the best you enough to come out on top of the depressive episodes you’ll face. We’re all “crazy”, “mentally ill” and the fact that the degree of crazy affects how people see you is disgusting, if it weren’t for people like us, the truly lost there would be no greatness, no awfulness, and no variation to life, we make life worth living. I hope I helped you and you can see even if you don’t really see right now that you are worth it you really and truly are. 

- Jordal

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