Hi, I saw an ad on TV that promoted this, and i thought I’d give it a try. Iv’e been having some problems with this girl at school. She wants to be in a relationship so badly, she’d kill herself over it. Because I was her friend, I said yes, but it got out of hand. All we did was argue, because I wasn’t happy, and she was pressuring me to do things. We were “together”, but I didn’t want to be. She was projecting her feelings onto me, and only thinking about what she wanted. I tried to “break up” with her, but she threatened to kill her self of the course of three days we weren’t “together”, and I had to save her ass every time. So, for the sake of that poor thing’s life, I got back with her. After that, things got way worse. I broke up with her again, and she threatened to kill herself, only this time, she acknowledged that she got into peoples heads, and said it as a threat, not a save me. I got mad, and told my parents, which one of them was a trained clinical and experimental psychiatrist, and, things got a bit better, but, all I want to do is forget, but, I never will seemingly. Now I just see myself as that one idiot who couldn’t see determination and lies when they’re right in front of my face. I began cutting. I’m failing many courses in school. I hate her, but I don’t. What she did to me, was so psychologically warring, that I became depressed. I don’t know what to do.

It’s not so bad

life isn’t so bad
It’s not nightmares,
It shouldn’t be at all.
When you go to bed,
Just think carnival fairs
And don’t give up
Watch these bad dreams fall
Try to smile and give it a while
What is it, baby?
Is it the way you lost your style?
Or the way life is becoming a maybe?
Live, live, live and breathe ..
Think about how you won’t leave
Think about the good memories that will make you believe.
What happened, baby?
Is it the boys, are they being too shady?
I understand. I don’t know what they’ve been thinking lately
But do you know that’s not life?
Do you know one day you’ll be a gorgeous wife?
Just listen to me, baby ..
There’s more to life, I promise you
It’s not just pain and days that seem rainy
It’s not so bad, is it?

The World

Have you ever hated the world so much to the point where you could just make it vanish ?

I used to have so much too say, now I can’t find my voice. Everyone who ever tried to beat it out of me, you should be finally happy. You broke me. I don’t even know where I lost the remnants of myself at. And they gloat. Seeing me sick, the sickness they caused. They gloat every time I’m at my lowest, needing help, a prayer, a friend. They say, “look what we did to her” and who will stop them. Who has stopped them. Cause I’m still hurting.

I cant do it anymore

so i have cut myself before over people calling me names and not feeling good enough for anyone or anything. I am 12 years old 3 1/2 months till my birthday. My dad would rather go off with his friends than hear my problems. So i keep it all inside. Noone likes me

I get so depressed and stressed. Right now im so depressed that I havent eaten or slept in days. Single mom in a state with no friends or family. My anger and depression make it so hard to focus on all important things that matter like work and kids. I have nobody to talk to. This feeling is the most horrible feeling in the world.

My name is Natasha. I’m 15 and I love to draw and sing. I have 2 little sisters who are the reason I am still here today. I never have the pleasure of showing people who I really am, my anxiety causes me to keep more to myself and stay out of the eyes of others. These past two years, I’ve been in and out of depression. I started cutting myself and hiding it from everyone I knew. My depression is so bad, I don’t even remember how it started, and I wish I could. For about 5 months I’ve been clean, but I can’t be alone for very long without slipping back into those thoughts. I can’t be in a group setting without feeling left out. I always feel as though I’m alone in the world, and there is no one who truly cares. Everyone tells me that they care, but they always leave so I can’t ever believe them. I can’t accept compliments from people because I don’t believe what they are saying. They say I’m beautiful and perfect and amazing, but they don’t see what I see. They don’t see my flaws, they don’t see that there is nothing right about me. I never have the chance to tell people how I really feel, I’m afraid that they’ll judge me. I have been learning that it is okay to express who you are, and that things always get better, but I am still struggling. I hope that someday, I can feel like a normal person, and smile sometimes. I hope to be genuinely happy someday, but that’s someday, not today. Saying all of this has lifted a huge weight, and I hope that maybe tomorrow, I’ll be better than I was today, because there is always tomorrow.

Sometimes We Need a Little Success Story

Alright, I am out of the situation, I have showered, called my only support person, looked at some funny stuff online, eaten, had a coke… and have taken several deep breaths.¬†

That being said… today has been a trial. I have walked through horrors until I reached the 7th level of hell, and then slowly climbed back out. I swear to all the powers that be… I am trying SO HARD. Not only to LIVE¬†on a day by day basis. (As some friends of mine from meetings like to say “One day at a time.”) but to be productive enough to get my butt into school. And let me tell you firsthand, they don’t make this process easy. In any case… I am doing everything I can to make it happen, as well as stay as sane as I possibly can so I can make it through these hard days…¬†

Today that sanity has been tested. I was doing so well for quite a few weeks after Vanderbilt when all of a sudden I started feeling shitty again. Having those thoughts, feeling those feelings. AND STILL I kept it together, I used coping skills, and talked to my support and reminded myself of my beliefs and found thing after thing to be grateful for. For being grateful is the key. But today still smacked me into the ground, rubbed my face into a pile leech-infested mud, then spit on me and told me to get up so it could repeat the process several times over, before letting me go about my day with mud and leeches on my face. (the above is figurative, for those of you who can’t read my tone as I rant)¬†

Point being, I am still somewhat standing, shaky, worn down, and about to cry, but I am still alive. For today. ONE DAY AT A TIME. I love you all, and I hope you all have a very blessed, much easier day than I. 

Also, very much thanks to several people, my support, the lady at the post office, and Norman, the man at Kroger, who all have been blessings in the form of angels on earth today. 
‚ÄĒ feeling¬†exhausted.

It’s not a phase

I wish that I could help the people around me realize that my depression and anxiety are not just a phase. That it cannot be prayed away or served away. I hate that I can’t keep it together all of the time. I hate when people question my ability to be a good mother because of my illness. I can’t stand that people think that I’m stuck up because I don’t like to go out. They have no idea how hard it is to paint on a smile and keep going when all I want to do is scream and cry. That if it wasn’t for my husband and my little girl I would have ended my life long ago. I cannot wait until the day when talking about mental illness is as easy as talking about the flu. Until then I will continue to wear my smiling mask during the day and wet my pillow with my tears and fill the blankets with my silent screams.

Depressed or not depressed, that is the question.

A few years ago my mom had me going to a therapist. It seemed fine for awhile and then one day she came clean with me and told me that she believed that I was depressed. She told me that she didn’t believe I was able to harm myself at the time and so she agreed to keep this revelation from my parents. I never believed her. Yet there’s times when I get so lonely for what seems like no reason, where I get mad at myself and everyone else, and it’s’ been a really long time since my parents and I have had a solid relationship. Half the time i don’t even know what I’m doing. My boyfriend used to be my outlet but I’ve felt like lately I haven’t been able to talk to him like we used to. I’m so frustrated because it seems like no one cares what I do or say anymore. I’m getting sick of it. I just want to curl up on a ball and sleep for a really long time.