I’m Still Here, It’s Okay

After a long hard battle I kept to myself, I’m still here. My parents don’t know about most of it and I know that’s not usually the best way to handle things by keeping them inside, but it’s for the best.

I believe I suffer from severe depression and have for quite some time now, but I have not been formally diagnosed with anything. I’m 15 years old going into my Sophomore year in High School, and I’ve had suicidal thoughts since probably 7th grade. I started slitting my wrists in the summer of 2012 I believe, when my parents started having a lot more arguments that were usually unfair and ended with my dad storming out of the house or to bed for the rest of the evening and my mother perfectly fine, as if she had won. I thought the arguments were my fault because I wasn’t doing my job by keeping my siblings from fighting and breaking things. The arguments usually started because of them, but I’m the most responsible obviously so I knew it was always my job as peacekeeper. Didn’t work too well..

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i dont know whats wrong with me i m just angry all the time i dont know why i just am . i feel alone sometimes i wonder how much my life really means what is my life worth i hate people but i think i hate myself more i mean i know im a monster for the way i feel the things i do so i see why people dont love mewhy would they i dont deserve to be loved to be happy 

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I am confused, tired. I find myself constantly sick with depression of some sort. Trapped in this void called life. A void, really. I never felt this way since high school, which was nearly a decade ago. I do not feel the pain of depression, as it is just numb. It takes more then I have to go by each day, playing the roll of a single parent because there is no way to support myself in the situation that I am in. My husband works night shift at walmart, and then in the day he works at subway, to help pay for the rent to my father. Even then we are in debt to him. Non the less, throughout the day, it is just me, my three year old daughter, and my two year old Alaskan malamute. It is a new kind of loneliness that I can not seem to grasp on to where I can put it into words. I was comfortable for the first few years, admittedly, being that my daughter and over-sized puppy kept me stable though out the day and night… but I find myself in tears now with no one to talk to about my latest problem, and no one understanding this new pain that I am experiencing. In a few days, my daughter would be going to school soon for the first time, and that really tears me up inside. Since I was nine, I always wanted to be the mother I never had, and I never rushed myself into the dream either (I waited three years even after I got married). To be something that I never had is challenging enough,and very taxing on my mental state when all I want to do is lock myself away and cry at each thing I do for my daughter. So to imagine her leaving me, even for a few hours, breaks me down into pieces. Even receiving the letter period for her to start school has broken me, because first it is school offers, and the next would be letters telling her to go off to collage. I tried to talk to my husband, and he just told me to grow up. My father just laughed when I tried to explain it to him. I have no friends, as they have moved away after high school, and those who I talk to online are not yet parents themselves. I feel as though I am fighting this alone. This strange feeling of half of my body being ripped clear out of my chest. I cried the last three months, knowing the day was getting closer. She will be going away from me on the 19th this month, and I just do not know how I am going to deal with it. I know that she is not being stolen away. I understand what is going on when she gets on that school bus. But I just do not know how to cope with this overall. 

But what hurts the most is knowing that I am a fighter,and been tough my entire life… this ‘crying’ is almost alien to me, and I just can’t seem to stop, feeling like I am loosing my little girl. 

I cant be the only person who feels this way. There’s got to be someone who knows whats going on.

Fading Away

I know its normal for people to care and help each other, although when it comes to me I feel as if I push people away from helping me or caring about me as if I’m scared that I’m going to put trust in a person and then be betrayed. I push people away whenever they just want to know all about me and never really let them know the real me, but the more I do this the more I feel as if I’m not part of anything and that nobody really cares for me, but I just simply want to be somebody people actually care about.

namiorg:

Here’s my story: It all started in December of 2013 during Winter Quarter of my 3rd year in college when I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I had been showing signs prior to my diagnosis when I was hyperactive, taking on multiple activities all at once. I managed a schedule of taking classes, working, interning, and even putting on a musical. All of my work totaled to over 50+ hours a week. Even then, I knew it wasn’t healthy but I still insisted on taking on the task.  
During winter break, I had my first mental breakdown in front of my family. I had opened up to them about how stressed I had been. They became worried and my sister even said she has “never seen me like this before.” I had my first hospitalization days after my 21st birthday, though I didn’t know I was being treated for psychiatric evaluation. After being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I refused to believe it. When I got my first set of medications, I quickly stopped them right after I got out of the hospital. 

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In my opinion, our health care system has failed when a doctor fails to treat an illness that is treatable.
- Kevin Alan Lee (via psych-quotes)